I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
