What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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