we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
