I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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