I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
