Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Randomize
