I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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