I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
