I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
