The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
