I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I deserve this hangover.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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