if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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