Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
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No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
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