Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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