dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Randomize
