I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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