I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
