My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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