Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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