I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
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