Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
