Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
