but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
