Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Randomize
