I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
