I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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