toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
This baby is an asshole
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
