the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
