I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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