I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
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If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
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you had me at cake vodka
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
i believe in u and ur pee
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