Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
sarcasm needs its own font
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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