part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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