arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
