Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
