just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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