New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Randomize
