I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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