So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
