i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Randomize
