remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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