Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Randomize
