cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
