Your tits are I can't wait for
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I think your dad took our porno
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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