Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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