why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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