just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
