Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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