come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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