Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Randomize
