dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
