you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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