For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
