i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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