Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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