no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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