if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
The uberlube is also flammable
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
