He asked me if I "almost moaned"
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
