Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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