I molested 6 butterflies tonight
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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