once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
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